Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Miscarriage

My husband and I got the sad news on Monday. We were back for our second ultrasound in 6 days. The first one didn't show what it was supposed to, just an empty pregnancy sac in my uterus. I consoled myself by saying that we all just had the timing wrong and I wasn't as far along as we all thought. The second ultrasound confirmed what the doctor had initially suspected, though - the pregnancy was not viable and miscarriage was inevitable.

"It is not your fault," the doctor said.
"When there is an early miscarriage, it is usually because of chromosomal abnormalities," he explained.
"This miscarriage doesn't mean you can't and won't get pregnant and carry a baby to term in the future if you so choose," he assured me.
"Nearly every 4th or 5th pregnancy results in miscarriage," he shared.

My head heard everything he said, and told my heart, "Don't worry, we'll try again." My heart screamed, "You failure!" and then broke in half.

I went to work on Tuesday as usual. I cried so much on Monday, I thought I was all cried out. I was wrong. I was sent home almost immediately. Instead of going home, I went to the coffeeshop and ordered a Grande Irish Nut coffee - no need to avoid caffeine anymore. Then I texted my friend and fellow quilter, Nancy, to see if I could come over. Of course she said "yes," so I went over to cry on her shoulder a bit, not in small part because she is moving out of state in a week and won't be a quick drive away anymore. Then I went to karate and kicked the snot out of the bags, probably my fiercest day in karate ever. After all that, I felt much better, and went to find my husband to spend the rest of the afternoon with him. He is such a sweetheart, a gentle giant, but also a fierce protector. I'm lucky to have him. I'm also lucky to have my smart, healthy, fun-loving, affectionate boys. When I sit back and think about it, I have lots of blessings. I can't let this setback cloud my view of all the good things in my life.

Upon the doctor's recommendation, I went in today for a D and E to clean everything out of my uterus. I feel empty inside, both literally and figuratively. But I'm going to let my optimistic nature work its magic, and I'm sure that before long, instead of feeling empty, I will feel like I am starting over with a clean slate.

33 comments:

Quiltluver said...

Oh, Erin, I'm so sorry. Sending hugs to you and your family...

Hazel said...

Oh Erin I wish I could could give you a big hug .Prays being sent for you and your family .

jan said...

I am so sorry to hear this Erin, you were so excited about it, but, you know the Doctor is right, next time will be different for you. Sending you huge hugs and much love across the pond. So very sad. love Jan

cozy quilter said...

I am so sorry! Take care of yourself and I am sending a hug your way.

Becky said...

Oh dear. I had a friend that had that happen. She was distraught...as you were/are. She later had a successful pregnancy and a beautiful baby girl. My prayers are with you and I'm sending cyber-hugs your way.
{{{{Hug}}}}
Love ya,
Becky

Serenity Love Sincere Peace Earth said...

No words......

Big Hugs....

dobco said...

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Right now I am sure you feel drained, but given time, it does get better. I know from personal experience. We don't always know the whys but God sees the big picture and works things out in His timing. So hang in there...you know where I am if you need a shoulder to cry on.

Quilter said...

Oh Erin, I wish I could find the words that would make the pain just a little bit more faint. I don't know what those are...

Thank you for sharing this part of your life with us and for being so brutally honest.

When I was 15 my mum got pregnant. We were just over the moon. Six days after she told us she miscarried. It doesn't matter what stage you are at in a pregnancy, the loss of a baby is upsetting not just for you but those around you that love you. Three months after, my mum got pregnant again. With the memories of the miscarriage still very raw, it took many months before we let ourselves get excited again.

Hang in there Erin, you already sound like you have such a positive attitude, and I am sure with the love of your family and friends good things will come to you, and your dreams will come true.

Much love to you my dear, Sam xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxox

Janet said...

Erin I'm so sorry. Thinking about you and lifting you up.

Char said...

I wish I was there to give you a big hug. Know that I am sending you and the family hugs and prayers.

Angela said...

Erin, I am so sorry. My prayers are with you and your husband and sons. My heart is breaking with you.

Jackie said...

Erin, I am so sorry.

Rachel said...

Oh Erin I am so so sorry. I don't know what else to say except I will be thinking about you and sending you hugs.

Linda said...

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Please, take the time that you need to grieve. I know that you want to be strong for everyone else, but you do need to take the time to take care of your own emotions.
Linda in So. Illinois

Cheryl Willis said...

Never the news we want to hear. Thankful that you have good care. In the old days, women didn't know so soon and could have serious complications. Rest up, count your many blessings, and let the rest work itself out. Next summer I bet you will be making good use of a bunch of bibs. I'm saving girl prints for you!- love cw

Trish said...

Erin, I am so sorry. Praying for you.

Auntie Em said...

Oh Erin, I'm so sorry to hear your sad news. I know you will hear from many people (myself included) who have experienced miscarriage and then gone on to have a healthy pregnancy. Remember to take care of yourself.

I'm so glad you have the support of a loving family, and I hope that you feel the comfort that all your blogging family is sending you right now.

kwiltmakr said...

I am so sorry to hear that. Someone close to me just went through the same thing as you. It does get easier in time. Hang in there.

Lisa said...

Warm thoughts and big hugs to you and your family. I'm so sorry.

Amo House said...

Looks like you are being smothered with hugs here, but I'll add another huge one anyway.

((((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))

Judi said...

I'd run over and give you a hug, but then we'd both dissolve in tears. Do take time to grieve as it is a loss. Then do remind yourself of your blessings. Love you bunches Hugs

Rhoda said...

I'm so sorry Erin! I lost 2, and while I always wonder who they would have been, it does get easier. Allow yourself to grieve. It's a very real loss.

Livin' Blue Quilter said...

Erin, I am so sorry that you have had this experience. My prayers are with you and your family. Robin

oldbatt said...

So sorry for your loss. Lisa

Michelle said...

I'm sure we all wish we could be there to give you a giant quilty hug!! Prayers to you and your family!! I'm thinking of and praying for you!

Shirleymac said...

I'm so sorry Erin. I believe even with a miscarriage you have to go through the grief process. You were expecting your life to turn out one way and it turned out a different way. You need to allow yourself time and allow yourself to feel your feelings. You have two beautiful boys and a wonderful husband and hopefully that will soften things for you a bit. After my sister's miscarriage - she already had 2 boys at the time - she got pregnant again about a year later and had a girl.

Nancy-Rose said...

Oh Erin - I am so sorry. I can never think of the right thing to say to convey exactly what I'm thinking, but my heart goes out to you.

Quilting in My Pyjamas said...

Sending massive hugs your way. I'm so sorry to hear this has happened.

hawghugger said...

My dear Erin, my heart feels for you and your family for your loss. I am sending you lots of hugs, lots of prayers and a ton of good thoughts.

sallyannequilter said...

I am so sorry to read your news. I had the same thing happen with my first pregnancy 24 years ago. My heart goes out to you and I will remember you and your family in my prayers.

Kim said...

Let yourself grieve......its a big loss.
So sorry Erin.
Take good care of yourself.

Seams to Sew and Quilt said...

Erin, I am so sorry... thoughts and prayers are with you... take care...

Victoria @ BUMBLE BEANS said...

I'm so sorry you wen through this... I'm late to find out... I send bug huge hugs.