Wednesday, June 16, 2010


My husband and I got the sad news on Monday. We were back for our second ultrasound in 6 days. The first one didn't show what it was supposed to, just an empty pregnancy sac in my uterus. I consoled myself by saying that we all just had the timing wrong and I wasn't as far along as we all thought. The second ultrasound confirmed what the doctor had initially suspected, though - the pregnancy was not viable and miscarriage was inevitable.

"It is not your fault," the doctor said.
"When there is an early miscarriage, it is usually because of chromosomal abnormalities," he explained.
"This miscarriage doesn't mean you can't and won't get pregnant and carry a baby to term in the future if you so choose," he assured me.
"Nearly every 4th or 5th pregnancy results in miscarriage," he shared.

My head heard everything he said, and told my heart, "Don't worry, we'll try again." My heart screamed, "You failure!" and then broke in half.

I went to work on Tuesday as usual. I cried so much on Monday, I thought I was all cried out. I was wrong. I was sent home almost immediately. Instead of going home, I went to the coffeeshop and ordered a Grande Irish Nut coffee - no need to avoid caffeine anymore. Then I texted my friend and fellow quilter, Nancy, to see if I could come over. Of course she said "yes," so I went over to cry on her shoulder a bit, not in small part because she is moving out of state in a week and won't be a quick drive away anymore. Then I went to karate and kicked the snot out of the bags, probably my fiercest day in karate ever. After all that, I felt much better, and went to find my husband to spend the rest of the afternoon with him. He is such a sweetheart, a gentle giant, but also a fierce protector. I'm lucky to have him. I'm also lucky to have my smart, healthy, fun-loving, affectionate boys. When I sit back and think about it, I have lots of blessings. I can't let this setback cloud my view of all the good things in my life.

Upon the doctor's recommendation, I went in today for a D and E to clean everything out of my uterus. I feel empty inside, both literally and figuratively. But I'm going to let my optimistic nature work its magic, and I'm sure that before long, instead of feeling empty, I will feel like I am starting over with a clean slate.