Rollercoaster

The last few days have been a wild ride. I am emotionally and physically exhausted. I arrived home Friday night, and set to work making dinner for the family and making Rice Krispie Treats for the Cub Scout Pack meeting on Saturday. Luckily, I had a little helper.

Then, I gave a presentation at work Saturday morning that went horribly. There were some malcontents in the audience that made the experience very uncomfortable. People have been very supportive, and have been approaching me to tell me that I handled myself well, but ugh! I just wanted to go home and climb in the bed for the rest of the day. Of course, that was not to be. First, I had to make an appearance at the Homecoming football game. Then the kids and I left that for the Cub Scout Pack Meeting, which was a fun, but exhausting 3 hours. For my station, I brought along a student that I recruited from Costa Rica a few years ago, and we taught them some things about Costa Rica and some useful phrases in Spanish so we could earn our Culture belt loop. After that, we went home and the kids let me take a quick nap before we went out to the Homecoming Dance. My kids love to dance! How is it that they don't need sleep, though?

My plan on Sunday was to just sew, which I did a bit but not nearly as much as I had hoped. I worked on my scrappy flannel buzzsaw quilt a bit.

My leader and ender project for that session was my Scrappy Star quilt, so I also got one more of those blocks done.

Today was also supposed to be a busy day - a day full of interviews at work, followed by karate and a cub scout den meeting. Just as I was about to start my first interview, my friend and co-den leader who is also the mother to my oldest son's best friend called to tell me that her oldest daughter had just passed away. She was 18 and severely disabled, but this was unexpected and I am still in shock. I feel so helpless and sad for my friend, and for Jason's little friend who just lost his big sister. I don't know what to do - I want to be there for her, but I also want to give her space if she needs it. I have no frame of reference. I've lost a parent and friends, but I can't even conceive of losing my child. I have been emotional all day, but I made it through the workday, and then went to karate to yell and kick and punch out my anger and frustration with impunity. The kids and I went to the cub scout meeting just in case someone didn't get my email letting them know what happened, and I'm glad I did, because someone showed up. Then, I came home and cuddled with my kids and thanked God for every day I have with them.

At bedtime, I didn't draw the line at two stories like I usually do. The third book they pulled out tonight is one that makes me feel weepy on a good day, and I couldn't make it through the book without crying tonight - Love You Forever, by Robert Munsch.

It is a beautiful story about a mother's love for her son, and the song she sings to him about how he will always be her baby no matter how big he grows. At the end, the tables are turned as the grown man is now rocking his dying mother and singing to her about how she will always be his Mommy. Being a mother has been the most profound and rewarding experience in my life, and the thought of losing one of my children terrifies me. I know my friend isn't reading this, but if she were, I would want her to know that I love her, and I'm here for her, and I am so, so sorry.